Long Personal Post, I think I was cheated on with my best friend

"Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle" (ciatci)
05/17/2015 at 00:43 • Filed to: None

In middle of March, I introduced my best friend to my now ex in the photo lab at school when she was hanging out in the studio while I was shooting a project. In early April, my ex notified me she felt that our relationship had dried up. I was busy with school and work when we could have gotten together but always put my best effort in between us despite this. This resulted in a lack of intimacy between us. Soon after she told me I never satisfied her intimately, and she suggested I ask my older best friend for help. He had been my friend for 2 years and helped me through some family and personal troubles so of course I asked him. He did help me and it was useful. A couple of days later I could sense a change in the wind of our texting conversations. She felt a bit distant, but I brushed it off as anxiety and paranoia. Because it was spring break, she was free as was I due to overlapping schedules. She invited me over so we could be together for the first time in a month and a half for some alone time, if you catch my drift. As it came to an end, she pulled out her phone and read to me an entire list of personal shortcomings she saw in me and stuff she. I felt insulted, but I recognized some fair points. A few days later, on my first day back from school I had to do some work in the photo department for a class. My then girlfriend then texted me saying she wanted to come to the lab, and asked me if it was OK if my friend brought her to the lab. I trusted him so I said sure. I have a thing with my friends where they all generally mesh well so I thought nothing of it. However, during this time, my current ex treated me like a complete stranger. I felt insulted but played it off as just being in a semi-public place. I mean we weren’t going to be feeling eachother up but she did sit on the lab couch with me but I felt like I was a casual friend. I felt it was nothing too big, but still felt insulted somewhat. I never approached her on this but whatever. The texting, which was our usual means of communication’s tone changed. It felt like she was phoning it in, which was weird. She was busy with school and extracurricular activities so whatever. A week after we saw each other in the lab, she texted me when I was working to come over after work. I was free due to not having a project to shoot that night so I jumped at the opportunity. It was then she broke up with me, citing that she was no longer in love with me but loved me still. This, in addition to the reasons she read to me which essentially ran as “I love you, but I don’t love the quirks who make you who you are.” She asked me if I was OK, and I said yes. When she read me the list of complaints a week and a half prior, I felt insulted and like breaking up, but conceded a few fair points and was determined to make it work. However, I felt insulted and stupid, but I felt my heart was still in it at the behest of my heart. I left her house and felt generally neutral for a few weeks. The night of the breakup I texted him telling him what happened and late that night he took me out for pizza and beer and being a generally helpful and good friend. As she is a Psych major, she told me I should be feeling guilt and loss, but I felt generally neutral. As I am high functioning ASD, I have found myself to be generally emotionally neutral so I played it up to that. This past Monday we were texting after I ran home between class and work to get my laptop with photos on it. During my brief lunch, she sent me a picture of her at a park. I looked at the photo and recognized the park. She then told me she was with my friend, and we then continued on. When she mentioned she was with my friend I grew suspicious but kept my mouth shut. I ignored the possibility of them being together knowing them both and the metrics between them. Given this park is on a cul-de-sac right across the south edge of campus, I figured I would drive by and say hi while headed back to print photos. When I pulled into the street I kept an eye out for them as I was driving by. I slowly eased down the street looking out for them, and when I did see them I was shocked. They were laying together under the tree and I felt my heart drop. Given it was a packed cul de sac I had to do a U turn at the end, and when I was passing back around I saw him get on top of her. Given the conversation between her and I was still active I parked my car to go to class and told her to have a good time with him. I however was a cocktail of emotions. I then approached him on it, asking him what his business with her was. He told me “I had a feeling you’d ask” followed by telling me he really liked her as well as he is being careful with her. In shock and anger all I could respond with was an ellipse. I never responded to these, and among texts he sent me were “I’m sorry you had to see us hanging out today. So far that’s all it’s been.”, “I said I like her. But fuck. We were just hanging out”, him asking me if I was safe, and my favorite, “This is not as big of a deal as it looks right now.” The nadir of this conversation was him saying “I am not a good person.” She then texted me saying Okay look me and (Friend) aren’t together or anything. He’s just super flirty and we had fun seeing each other and that was it. I don’t know why he said that.... He didn’t mean it.” Given how I have seen this entire situation, I didn’t respond to anything. That night, I felt insulted and generally destroyed, so I turned to photo department staff (Where he was a student worker a year and a half ago) and told them what happened. They were shocked and disappointed. My friend and I both have long histories in that department, with him working there and me working in the Library, but my soul was always set on the lab and I have spent hundreds of hours there hanging out, working on photos. I had a past professor message me that night offering support. Given we are a tight knit group of friends I had a professor message me giving me giving me a pep talk and general support. This past Thursday, I was approached by a current Photo lab worker who has been friends with him for a long time, telling me she knew “she had the hots for him” since March right around when I introduced him. As it went on, I recalled the note she sent me of all the shortcomings she felt I had, and realized all these things she didn’t see and wanted in me were all qualities my friend had. I felt worse at this point. She then told me she and a group from the lab group were all going to dinner with him to talk to him about this. I didn’t join as I am still volcanically mad at him, and also I had photos to present in the lab critique class scheduled for that night. The next morning, I text a mutual friend who was there and asked him how it went. Apart from the usual “I am staying neutral” I got a brief recap about the conversation, and was told “I can tell you he does feel legitimately bad. He doesn’t like that it’s hurt you,” “He told me to let you know he’s always willing to talk with you if youre up for it.” In addition, he mentioned how I deleted all our songs in our shared Spotify playlist and added “Judas” by Depeche Mode (Good song) and “You’re A Fucking Cunt” by Anal Cunt. The friend told me it was immature name calling and it is true but I was absolutely fuming so I will give it half a slide. I haven’t responded to any texts from either of them. On Monday, she tried Facebook Messaging me that night but I deleted it before I could read it but saw the preview of it from the window. I have blocked them both on Facebook, where she is active and he is generally inactive. With both them out of the way I have relied on mutual friends for support. But I am now not sure what to do now. I haven’t heard from them both since Monday. I want them both to go to hell and could be happy to go on from here without ever seeing them again.

DISCUSSION (30)

Svend > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:09

Fella. Listen up when I tell you this, YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN SHE DESERVES! and if your ‘friend’ is willing to see her knowing how she treated you then more fool him. Tell them both ‘good luck and take care’, if they push it, that ‘you feel so much for it being over’ (even if it isn’t) and always smile (really smile) when you see them because the old British adage comes in of ‘don’t let the b45tards grind you down’ and ‘don’t give others the satisfaction to see you hurt’. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and laugh knowing she’ll make his life as much a misery as she did yours and that he’ll soon find out first hand what you’ve been saying to him and that he won’t have your ear to go to for support.

Keep your chin up okay and put it down to life experience and lessons learned. You’ll soon meet someone who doesn’t feel that they need to put you down to give themselves validity and will appreciate you for you even when you don’t always see it in yourself.

DrJohannVegas > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:10

First, and most importantly, I’m sorry. As much as you can, make a clean break from the situation and get some space. Space helps with the healing.

Now, the “real talk”. Everyone here is an adult, and an independent person. It’s natural for people to meet and connect with people they already know. Unfortunately, this can have additional consequences for others. Breaking up is hard, and sometimes getting the point across is tough, especially when you don’t want to hurt the recipient. I think that you were on the receiving end of an attempt for closure which was not really clear. It’s not the right way to do it, but sometimes it seems like the best way forward. Things escalated outside your relationship, in the worst possible way. Right now it seems like everything is shit, and these other people are being awful, and that’s a legitimate feeling to have. The way your ex handled all this is not cool. It’s not okay to treat people like that.

I am sure, because you took the time to express all of this in a reasonable way, that you are a good person. You’ll find someone who is a good fit for your personality and lifestyle. Bearing ill will towards your ex and your friend is not the way forward. It seems like the right thing to do right now, and I cannot tell you not to feel that way. However, in time the hurt will fade, and you may feel differently about the whole thing. It seems like it wasn’t the right fit. It’s good that you have other friends to help, and I encourage you to be careful about making them take sides. You’ll get through this, and you’ll be stronger and better for it. I know that’s not the most helpful comment right now, but it’s the real deal. Relationships are tough, because people are complicated. It sounds like you have good friends around you, and I encourage you to take comfort in their support. From one doctor to another: the prognosis, although rocky in the short term, is good.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > DrJohannVegas
05/17/2015 at 01:24

From now I am ignoring them both and forwarding with finals. I lost my college job due to a dispute with a student in a matter where if I took the other option I risked losing everything due to a cheating clause and even though it would be in the cheating to clear gray area I didn’t want to risk it. At this point, I am taking a month off for personal sabbatical from school, work, and everything to sort my life out. In the past I have been secretive with my family about my personal affairs outside, and only told my parents after my grandmother met them. They have been supportive and helpful but goddamn it hurts.

The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123 > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:25

I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t waste your time on them and move on. It’s better it ended sooner rather than later.

DrJohannVegas > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:29

Again: I’m sorry. Don’t let the hurt drive you to bad habits/actions. This too shall pass.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > DrJohannVegas
05/17/2015 at 01:34

Kinja'd!!!

I think the message to him is now loud and clear. Also go Trent Reznor.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > The Opponaut formerly known as MattP123
05/17/2015 at 01:37

I don’t mind her and her shitty behavior. Hell half the reason I started dating her was because she was the first girl to take interest in me.

Sam > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:39

Let me be blunt. Fuck ‘em. (Pardon my French) You were doing well before they started shit, and you’re gonna do well after as well. Just don’t bother with them. If being around them upsets you, why would you want to be around you.

Here’s the depressing fact I like to throw around: odds are, you’re only going to live to be about 80 years old. Why the hell would you want to spend valuable time on stuff that doesn’t make you happy. Just don’t lose sight of the overall goal and forget ‘em. I know it isn’t easy, but I’ll let Rocky take over from here:

And here’s another one that is just a good thing to motivate you going forward:

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > Sam
05/17/2015 at 01:40

Of course. I am just angry that this could have all happened at the worst time. The week of finals starting and they pull this shit right when I need to ignore emotion and be the most focused I can be.

Big Bubba Ray > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 01:56

Dude, I’m so sorry. Being cheated on is the WORST feeling in the world. Makes you feel inadequate in a way. TWO girls I dated cheated on me. I got to thinking that maybe it’s my problem and there’s something wrong with me as a person.

All I can say, from prior experiences is to cut them both off. It’s so fucking hard to do, but it’s necessary as hard as that sounds. Don’t surround yourself with that negativity.

I have massive trust issues with women now and have basically sworn off relationships and it has been hard. Cut them off and focus your mind on something else right now. I took the shitty route and was a borderline alcoholic because of it. Not trying to put you down, but it will take a long time to get over it. It took almost three years for me to accept it and get on with my life.

Come to Oppo for advice and to say what you want to say when you want to say it. We’re here to help you through this shit. Oppo has helped me with plenty of shit in my past and therefore I’m always willing to lend an ear. Stay strong brother.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:02

As a high school student, I don’t take relationships very seriously. yes, they’re meant to be intimate, but they should also be fun. Long story short; this is my suggestion to you sir. a high school student, I don’t take relationships very seriously. yes, they’re meant to be intimate, but they should also be fun. Long story short; this is my suggestion to you sir. Go and have yourself a rebound (a fling) and after that settle down and be single for awhile. If she’s smarty and if she likes you, she might come back after realizing her mistake. So long as you don't have a financial stake in this, you're all good! :D

Sam > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:05

You just have to push through it. Remember that you should be your number one.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:31

Not much of a friend... Sorry, man :(

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:32

“ As it came to an end, she pulled out her phone and read to me an entire list of personal shortcomings she saw in me and stuff she. “

In my experience, when someone is into you, basically you can ‘do no wrong’ so to speak. And when they’re not into you or trying to deflect attention away from their own bad behaviour , then you can ‘do no right’.

She’s your ex now. Her opinion doesn’t matter anymore.

Also in my experience, a given trait someone has can be off-putting to some and endearing to others.

The best course is to be true to yourself.

“It was then she broke up with me, citing that she was no longer in love with me but loved me still. This, in addition to the reasons she read to me which essentially ran as “I love you, but I don’t love the quirks who make you who you are.” ”

To me that says she’s feeling guilty and is making up excuses.

“ As she is a Psych major, “

Oh gawd...

“she told me I should be feeling guilt and loss, but I felt generally neutral.”

As a psych major, she should know better. And as a father of a son who is mild-Aspergers, I’m not that surprised with how you felt. And it’s very arrogant and presumptuous for her to be telling you what you should be feeling. If someone tried to tell me what I “should” be feeling, I’d react with a very loud ‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD FEEL?’

Sidenote: I’m generally not impressed with people in the psychology profession. It seems to me that for every decent psychologist/psychotherapist, there are another 9 who are either do-nothing paycheque collectors OR complete jackasses who give terrible advice/analysis.

“She then texted me saying Okay look me and (Friend) aren’t together or anything.”

She’s a liar.

“I haven’t responded to any texts from either of them. On Monday, she tried Facebook Messaging me that night but I deleted it before I could read it but saw the preview of it from the window. I have blocked them both on Facebook, where she is active and he is generally inactive.“

Good. Keep it that way. From what I see, both of them are more of a frenemies than friends.

“I want them both to go to hell and could be happy to go on from here without ever seeing them again.”

And that, good sir, is perfectly NORMAL. Don’t ever let this full-of-shit psycho-babble major or the guy ever convince you that how you feel isn’t normal.

What is really going on is they’re trying to justify in their minds that their shitty behaviour is somehow “not their fault”. Basically they have no sense of accountability.

You’ll meet people like that from time to time.

I have. Best thing to do is cut them out of your life as much as possible.

I have one suggestion that I’m going to give you some general advice from my “Bible” (a book titled The Fine Art of Picking up Girls... LOL). Try to go for women who work non-bullshit fields. That would include fields like IT/programming, Accounting, Finance, Business, one of the *real* sciences, engineering, etc.

Try to avoid women in the artsy fields, psychology, political science and such.

You’re less likely to encounter flakiness.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/17/2015 at 02:38

The whole aspergers thing for me is like Don Draper and Korea. It's a shameful past I've worked hard to overcome for myself. I am totally functional and friendly with some minor anxiety for some tasks or in emergencies. I'm loving your breakdown. Also tell your son to keep his head up and do try and do what I have done to try and work past it. Life has gotten better for me for it. Don't be afraid to be your crazy self but be aware of others.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:40

You should listen to Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours. It’s one of the BEST albums to listen to after a breakup or during relationship problems. You situation makes me think of the first song on the album:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/133…

And this one too:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/132…

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 02:53

My son is a very mild case. He was diagnosed when he was younger (he’s a teen now). But he has friends. He just tends to be introverted.

The way I see it, he just needs some additional instruction in some areas that come naturally to some people. For example, when he was younger, I had to instruct him “when someone says hello to you, you really should say hello back... “ and then I explained why.

I’ve also explained to him how some people he encounters will be illogical idiots or assholes.

I also use some successful famous Aspy people as examples (like Gary Numan http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Numa… ) to ensure that he understands there is no reason for him not to be successful in life.

Jobjoris > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 05:52

First of all: I know I’m from a complete other generation but STOP TEXTING to your friends/partners when it come to these matters. It misses context. You/them can save messages (and in the process re-live all hell). Just get a phone and call ‘m, drive up to ‘m or, maybe better forget it.

Too bad it didn’t work out. There will be others. I totally understand you being hurt. But then again: It probably won’t be the last time you’ll get hurt, unfortunately that’s part of life. And there’s never an ‘easy way out’ to end these things.

So quit bothering them both, quit bothering yourself and move on.

Nibbles > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 10:14

get away from these toxic people

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > Nibbles
05/17/2015 at 11:20

Believe me I have. They're irrelevant to my future now.

dr861 > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 11:41

That sucks man. Really sucks.

Honestly, if he was a good friend, he would have told you before anything happened, and wouldn’t have been shady about it, going behind your back. Giving you a list of all of your potential shortcomings is really shallow, especially when it’s clear she was thinking about getting out anyway, and it’s frankly emotionally abusive. Being a psych major excuses none of this, and you’re not her patient, you were her boyfriend. She’s being incredibly selfish, and clearly doesn’t have any boundaries, and your friend, while he feels bad, is an a-hole, and I would seriously reconsider trying to connect with him. If he wants to reach out and apologize in a way that is meaningful that’s one thing, but if they’re together, any expectation that you and he have of rekindling the friendship is not possible. Every time you see him with her you will be reminded, and what you need right now is space. If he were as good a friend to you as you were to him, than he would stop this sh*t right now.

The girl is really a piece of crap, and someone who is toxic for your life. She clearly thinks herself superior, even though she is not, so you do not want to be with her anyway, even though you feel extreme loss at the moment. Find someone who likes you for you, not someone who wants to change you. I would suggest you tell them both to stop texting or calling unless it is to apologize, as you have done NOTHING wrong here. Go find some good friends and chill with them a lot. You will feel better socializing.

When they break up (and they will because the circumstances of them getting together were so shady and they both are cheaters in one way or another), leave it to them to approach you, but for the mean time, turn the page and continue on the journey of life. Focus on the future, not the past. It will make you feel a lot better, and when you are in a stable relationship because you are clearly a VERY sensitive and emotionally open person, who is considerate of their SO, just look back and say “thank god I got those toxic people out of my life”. F*ck them. F*ck them both. The friendship is over and so is the relationship, as they both violated some cardinal rules of being a good human being. Even though you might not know it yet, you don’t actually need or want them in your life.

Dingers Ghost, Champion Jockey > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 12:08

As others have said, let them both go. They simply aren’t worth it. Sure he has been a friend in the past, but he has clearly shown you he is not worth it anymore. I myself do not usually hold grudges but this would be something I would never forgive.

And she... she’s something else man. She’s incredibly toxic and would bring nothing to you but harm, even without all of this. You may not think it’s true but you are so much better off without her. You are not to blame for her shitty behavior, she is. So do not blame yourself for other people’s shortcomings.

Yes it might take time to heal, but it will. And you’ll be the wiser for it. In the future you will know not to let any of this happen again. In the meantime, do something to help you feel better in a positive way. Go take that road trip you’ve always wanted. Take on a new project. Shoot some photos in a way you’ve wanted to try. Anything. If you can feel happy and get away from the situation, your next chapter will come so much easier.

People are shitty. The best thing we can do is not keep ourselves around those that bring us down.

And finally, keep your head up. You’re bound to run into more trouble if you don’t look up to see where you’re going.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > dr861
05/17/2015 at 13:15

I'm currently at a car show with Dsscats, a close real life friend in all of this. The only loss I have felt is towards my former friend because of the betrayal I feel.

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > Dingers Ghost, Champion Jockey
05/17/2015 at 13:18

Thanks man. I'm shooting a car show I wasn't sure I would be shooting with an Irl and Oppo friend, DSScats. I'm holding strong because it's finals but due to losing my job I have no real obligations left save for family.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 20:43

As Sam said, and I’m paraphrasing here, disregard manipulators, acquire self empowerment!

Many racecars to you bud.

dr861 > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 20:57

Glad to hear man! Yea that’s going to hurt, especially if he was your best friend, that’s totally understandable. But keep in mind, if these are the actions he’s willing to go through with, he never was your best friend. It may sound cliche but for real, bro’s before hoes.

Dingers Ghost, Champion Jockey > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 23:16

Family can be the best obligation there is. I’m happy to hear you’re holding strong. Thats the biggest thing you can do.

Jake Huitt - Two Alfas And A Nissan, Not A Single Running Car > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 23:36

I’m a bit late, but if you need to vent/talk, I’m here. I’ve been cheated on, and it’s one of the worst possible feelings. Just keep your head up and focus on your future. I’ll post my email here, in case you need or want it. jakehuitt@gmail.com

Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle > Jake Huitt - Two Alfas And A Nissan, Not A Single Running Car
05/17/2015 at 23:38

Do you do hangouts? I am * if you want to chat via IM. It’s quicker for me.

Jake Huitt - Two Alfas And A Nissan, Not A Single Running Car > Ci@CI, the disciple of Bangle
05/17/2015 at 23:39

Done.